07 Sept Reflections

Today, I went to cell group. It was good and I enjoyed it.

Hmmm. In all honesty, I'm not a fantastic Christian. I'm not even a Sunday Christian because I don't go to church every Sunday. Mostly, I go only when I'm on duty and that's like, once a month? I still go because deep down I believe that there is a God and Christianity makes the most sense to me. (No God at all/ Big Bang theory makes the most no sense to me, no offense... haha)

Today was the first time in a very long time (2 years?) that I had this cell group environment. My originally cell group disbanded and I didn't look for a replacement cell. Several reasons why I hesitated from joining another group was commitment. Already, I don't attend church often, now cell group as well? The next reason was fear of embarressment. I have to admit, I can't pray in public. My prayers sound so simplistic as compared to the more senior members whose prayers sound so professional. I don't know how to explain it properly but it's like they can pray for 5mins on a topic but I just pray for 30s.

I don't know if anyone else has this problem but erm.. how I overcame this issue is that I constantly have to remind myself: who am I praying to? God or the people in the prayer group? I mean, at the end of the day, a prayer is just between you and God so you can speak in Singlish for all you want and God will understand... right?

Someone once told me that if you don't know what to say when praying, just speak in tongues. God will understand. This comforts me greatly.

I'm so Christian-y today.. haha. No I didn't hear an audible voice of God or see Him in a vision. I just know He exists. Isn't that obvious when you look at the things around you? Just seeing how the insects though so small but can come in a spectrum of colours and seeing how they co-operate with each other to forge for food or mate just based on pure natural instincts, I don't know, it just leaves a sense of awe in me and tells me that there is a God out there.

Questions like where did God come from, how old is He, where was He born and stuff, I don't know and I don't know if the Bible has answers. But I do know that because I believe in Him, when I die, I will go to heaven and then I can ask Him. Haha. Strategy huh.

I have school tomorrow and while I enjoy school overall, I am not looking forward to tutorials. Sigh. Mainly because I don't particularly want to see a certain classmate who I felt has betrayed me. Seems childish right? On hindsight yes. I know I should forgive and forget but it is so difficult. I am not angry, just very disappointed. I trusted her and this is what I get. I don't know what to do. Ignore? Ignore forever? It's like I've built a wall around me to protect myself. So contridicting to "Love thy neighbour as yourself". Sigh, one day at a time. Just keep swimming.

There, proof that I'm not a good Christian. But I will try to improve. Today I learnt a great verse: James 1: 19--> "... Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" which I will apply in my life. This means I must listen more, think before speaking and not let myself be angry easily. I will not jump to conclusions but be a rational person.

Another great verse is Psalm 46: 10--> Be still, and know that I am God. This verse I will keep repeating as I travel on public transportations. Lol! Change to random topic: I really want to learn biking! But my dear mother forbids. Sigh

Tomorrow I will start my marketing research job at MediaCorp. So exciting! I'm looking forward to it. :) It is now 1.31am and I have school in 8 hours time. Considering 1 hr travel time and 1 hr prep time, I have to wake up in 6 hours time. Woohoo. Time for bed.

Writing journals is a good way to destress and clear your brains before you sleep. I should do this more often. Nights!